her family background would indicate why she might feel comfortable around troubled people.

maintenance individuals will always attract the compulsive caretaker.

if you are friends with yourself, you will not persistently do something to yourself, to hurt yourself over and over again.

you’re so angry at me that you can’t even remember that you love me

domestic abuse happens only in intimate, interdependent, long-term relationships, in other words, in families, the last place we would want or expect to find violence

Why did I stay? The answer is easy. I didn’t know he was abusing me.

five common signs of abuse:

one you’ll be swept off your feet in the beginning of the relationship

two your partner will force you to get rid of the things that make you you

three to gain control your partner will isolate you from your friends and loved ones and make you dependent on them

four the abuser will scream yell and curse at you and always find a time to point out your imperfections and mistakes

five your partner will deny they ever did something wrong and blame you for their actions

one of the most insidious things about gaslighting is the denial of reality being denied what you have seen with your own eyes and you know to be true

Fake it until you become it.

3 habits that kill your confidence

The typical 12 month old instinctively keeps trying to walk, no matter how many times they fall and get up.

Failure to Launch: rumination and overthinking, which inevitably leads to procrastination and stagnation.

Treading water: Self-doubt can lead to hesitation, to question whether we’ve made the right choice.

The destination obsession pit traps you by making you feel that you’ve never done enough. It even makes you feel guilty when you take breaks.

If you’re stuck in destination obsession, you’re also likely comparing yourself to those ahead of you, termed upward counterfactual thinking.

the pain of rejection or failure activates the same areas of the brain as physical pain.

We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.

Good boundaries free you

the key to placing boundaries where you need them the most is tolerating stormy emotions.

Feelings: Handle them before they handle you

that falls into those two little words: self-esteem.

It’s not about what I’m addicted to or was addicted to, this is about why would I use something outside of myself, in an attempt to fix how I feel, to the detriment of myself?

We’re very defensive about being seen, really being seen. You know, when you walk down the street you trip over, the first thing you don’t do is go “Ow,” the first thing you do is say, “Oh, who saw that? “

My question to the parents is, why would your daughter feel at home around people who are troubled? Tell me. Tell me something about her family background that would indicate why she might feel comfortable around troubled people.

maintenance individuals will always attract the compulsive caretaker.

There is no point in me telling you techniques of parenting for prevention. I can’t tell you those things, unless you get comfortably in your own shoes.

take your eye off your kids for a minute because all they’re doing is showing you where your weak point is.

they’re looking for someone like me to take care of, and we can stand together, pretending to be at a party together, but actually all we’re doing is preventing each other from feeling vulnerable and isolated.

I want you to appreciate the lines on your face like they are the map of your life.

if you are friends with yourself, you will not persistently do something to yourself, to hurt yourself over and over again.

Emotional laws are the answer for better relationships

how many of you have studied in school the laws of emotion that explain to you your own inner world and the world of interpersonal dynamics

you’re so angry at me that you can’t even remember that you love me

in the Western world there is a 2/3 probability that you’ll end up in divorce in your lifetime

you cannot get triggered into an emotional reaction unless you have a receptor field inside of you

behind my anger was just my fear of getting hurt again

next time you get triggered try doing what the Green Monster does okay ask yourself the following four questions

first what’s getting triggered in me

second what am I afraid of

third what’s underneath of that

fourth what do I need to heal in me to not respond like this again in the future

most people are not aware that underneath their triggers and automatic reactions are unconscious emotions of pain fear and shame

How Boundaries Make Space For The Sweet Things In Life

it was my responsibility to put boundaries in place and say no, and it was my fault that I never did.

Sometimes, because we’re afraid to let others down, we choose to betray ourselves instead.

We do these things out of the belief that this is what “good people” do. This is what “kind people” do.

SUGAR is a reminder that you can

S - say no,

U - use your voice,

G - give to yourself too,

A - always check within,

-R - resist the urge to over-give.

Why domestic violence victims don’t leave

I’m here to tell you the story of crazy love, a psychological trap disguised as love

domestic abuse happens only in intimate, interdependent, long-term relationships, in other words, in families, the last place we would want or expect to find violence

I met Conor on a cold, rainy January night. He sat next to me on the New York City subway, and he started chatting me up.

One of the smartest things Conor did, from the very beginning, was to create the illusion that I was the dominant partner in the relationship.

the first stage in any domestic violence relationship is to seduce and charm the victim.

the second step is to isolate the victim.

The next step in the domestic violence pattern is to introduce the threat of violence and see how she reacts.

I was walking headfirst into a carefully laid physical, financial and psychological trap.

Despite what had happened, I was sure we were going to live happily ever after, because I loved him, and he loved me so much.

One in three American women experiences domestic violence or stalking at some point in her life

Why did I stay? The answer is easy. I didn’t know he was abusing me.

It’s incredibly dangerous to leave an abuser. Because the final step in the domestic violence pattern is kill her.

Over 70 percent of domestic violence murders happen after the victim has ended the relationship, after she’s gotten out, because then the abuser has nothing left to lose.

Abuse thrives only in silence.

It’s Time to Talk about Psychological and Verbal Abuse

almost half of all men and women in the US had experienced psychological abuse by an intimate partner

psychological abuse was just as real as physical abuse

five common signs of abuse:

one you’ll be swept off your feet in the beginning of the relationship

two your partner will force you to get rid of the things that make you you

three to gain control your partner will isolate you from your friends and loved ones and make you dependent on them

four the abuser will scream yell and curse at you and always find a time to point out your imperfections and mistakes

five your partner will deny they ever did something wrong and blame you for their actions

Why I stayed, Why I left

the cycle of abuse it begins in the tension building

the second phase is the incident the violent the outbreak

after this incident is the honeymoon phase

this is the stage where she normally decides to stay and I’ll tell you why because I know she has her power back

he takes control by taking economics in control in his own hands

he wanted to have full control of me he started planting seeds of mistrust and betrayal of my friends

I am economically emotionally dependent on him and as a result him having his conquest in his back pocket he focused on his career and his friends and everything else but me

I told him I’m gonna go work as a model again and he went crazy

his sister call me and his sister said to me that Romeo is devastated he can’t eat he can’t sleep he needs you he loves you

How to deal with gaslighting

one of the most insidious things about gaslighting is the denial of reality being denied what you have seen with your own eyes and you know to be true

the erasure of the abuse was worse than the abuse

the person gaslighting you will never be able to respond to logic or reason

this anger protected me I knew what I knew and it couldn’t be erased

The Skill of Humor

we are defined by our actions.

that’s how you learn the skill of humor. It’s through practice and repetition.

I have always understood computers much more than I understand humans. Because when something goes wrong with the computer, you get an error message. When something goes wrong with a human, you get feelings.

no woman wants a man who’s confident in math.

Fake it until you become it.